gonna keep on tryin' til i reach the highest ground

Today is April 29th, which means Eli and I have been dating for 1 year and 10 months today :)
I don't know what you guys really think about that, but I'm SO happy, excited, and proud. I don't know what I'd do without Eli.

School is winding down and I really don't have that much left. Today was supposed to be my last non-fiction class but we were really just having a party at 5 guys. I wanted to go but I feel a little nauseous because I have a stupid dentist appointment at 3 and THAT always makes me uneasy. Just thinking about them thrusting their metal tools down my throat makes me want to barf. I hate that sand crap that spray all over your teeth and you can still feel it on your face hours after you've left the office. Ugh. I just don't want to go! My teeth are extra sucky, too. No matter how much I brush or floss, they ALWAYS find something wrong with them. When I went to the dentist in November they had to fill 11 cavities. ELEVEN. It was painful. Not so much the drilling on my teeth, but I had to hold my mouth open for hours and my jaw couldn't stay open after a while but I couldn't close my mouth otherwise he'd drill through my gums! He told me that visit that these wouldn't be my last cavities because the shape of my teeth guaranteed that I'd have more to come. Then I have friends who never floss (and brag about it) and they've never had a cavity. Is that fair? No. But I guess that's not the dentist's fault. I do hate how sometimes they talk to me like a baby and they act as though I've never brushed my teeth before, "Rachel, this is a toothbrush. Brush in a circular motion and brush up around the gum." Duh.



I didn't mean for this blog to be about teeth, it's just really freaking me out that in a few hours they'll in my mouth poking me and making me bleed (inevitably).

Now I can't seem to write or think about anything else. I need a tranquilizer.

I can smell the death on the sheets

I rearranged my room...and even though it's probably the exact same amount of space, I feel like it looks bigger now.

I haven't been in the mood to blog lately. This week has been so crazy and mind boggling. I found out I had a D in french conversation. After freaking out and crying a little about it, I checked my grade again today and I have a 73%. I just need to hold onto that and I'll be happy with a C.


This is all I feel like saying for now. night!
<3rach

Nonsense

:¨·.·¨:
`·.Pretty heart thingy!

I saw this on a friend's facebook and I had to copy it haha.
I swear I'm going to bed soon...but should I change the title of my blog? I changed it awhile ago to make it like the six-word memoir thing but I feel that I can come up with something better. What do you think?


I watched two ABC Family movies today that were totally time consuming and I wasted about 4 hours of my Saturday watching movies that are only mediocre. Such is life, apparently.


Also, I am taking down the Twilight poster in my bedroom. I had a fascination with the Saga when I first read them but for the past year I've felt silly having read them and loved them at the time. I need to make a trip to the thrift store in search of a cooler poster/object to hang where the blank wall will be.

Anywho, I'm going to bed, finally.

goodnight!
<3 rachel

Motivation

Trying to conjure some motivation up so I can accomplish a decent amount of hw today. I have a poetry portfolio, edit/workshop everyone else's poems, a book report to write, another memoir to read, edit my own non-fiction piece, a french presentation, the last part of Faulkner's Light in August and a worksheet for it.

and I think that's it.

shout out to my main reader....

KATHERINE KATIE BOOTY ELIZABETH NORTON!!!!

she reads my blogs more than anyone else so why not blog about her?


Two years ago we made up a short story, written entirely on her cell phone mind you, and it was all about our neighbor Mark going on a date with Eli and his gay lover's baby girl who they named, Rachel Katherine. HAHAHAH This could be one of my favorite memories from freshman year...maybe. I have alot of good memories from that time of my life.

We used to call Eli, Elilium...and I think that was the title of the story, "The Story of Elilium". He, apparently, married a man named Amelia and they went on a honeymoon to Amelia Island. Mark, our neighbor in Beta, went to break the marriage up, for some reason...but then 20 years later, in china town, Mark saw a very beautiful woman and her name was Rachel Katherine. He went to pick her up for a date and she was IN FACT the daughter of Elilium and Amelia.

I forget how the rest of the story went...but for some reason, Katie and I thought that was just the funniest thing. Here's the best part: no, we weren't drinking. no, we weren't high. no, it wasn't even late at night. We just wrote it because that's the type of silly people we are.



I really hope Eli doesn't read this...


night!
<3

Changes

Everyone changes...its inevitable. We're only where we are for that moment, and then that minute, that second is gone.
Friendships change, relationships change...it's alarming.

I think of myself as a blessed person, who may not have it all together, but knows what's important.
I'm not happy all the time, but does that make me an unhappy person?


And how can one make observations of another person's life if they, being both parties, practically don't talk for months?



I mean to say, am I living outwardly what I'm really feeling inwardly? What is being projected to people around me? I get tired. I feel like I constantly have to have a smile on my face, or a thousand explanation points at the end of my text messages for people to think I'm "okay". It's
exhausting.

I keep typing things and erasing them because I keep contradicting myself. Isn't that human nature? We believe one thing and do another. I admit--I've got plenty of flaws. I break my own rules, I break God's rules. I need help, but only God can provide that.

Did you know that Jesus Christ cast out SEVEN demons from Mary Magdalene? Seven. What a tormented soul. It's amazing what kind of life she lived. She was the only person of Christ's disciples who stayed at his entire crucifixion. She was also the very first person that Jesus revealed himself to after he was resurrected. That's incredible. But before this life of loyalty and devotion to Christ, she was lost. I read in John Maccarthurs book, "Twelve Extraordinary Women" that Mary Magdalene had tried to cast out the first demon but they kept coming back, because she wasn't saved in the first place. She didn't trust in the Lord to take care of it, she was doing it on her own. And it wasn't sufficient.
This can be said about our own sins, our own demons per say. We try to cast them out ourselves but they always come back, mutated, disguised. Only Jesus can really put them to death.

I have flaws. I change. I have mood swings; bad and happy days. So do you. With Christ, though, He says His burden is light and His yolk is easy. Can't we just trust that?

Pressure

I feel it in my face. Around my eyes, above my brows. It grips its heavy and iced hands around my lungs and squeezes tightly.
Pollen, you suck. Allergies are a beast and I'm very upset that I have so much to do in such a condensed amount of time, AND I'M SICK!


Pray for me.

and I need a job.


<3 rachel

Oh, did none of you forsee this?

That's what my french teacher said to us today when she found out that we all did our homework in our workbooks. She was pissed because we wrote in our WORKBOOKS and we didn't write our answers on a separate sheet of paper because she wanted to collect our homework but didn't want to have a huge stack of WORKBOOKS to collect. She didn't write that anywhere on the instructions that she posted for the homework THE NIGHT BEFORE IT WAS DUE. Ugh. And, she didn't send out an email saying she was posting our homework on blackboard. She just randomly posted it. How annoying is that?
I'm so glad that I'm dropping the stupid french minor. I don't understand what's going on in my classes anyway.

I blog at the strangest times

Is that okay? I want to write now more than ever. I love getting thoughts down for me to read later on.

Today, I did homework at a rapid speed. In between church and RUF music practice I read seven chapters worth of Light in August and did a 3 page word document of research and analysis of the text. Okay, so I sparknoted the 7 chapters...I still wrote 3 pages on it :) Yesterday, I wrote an annotated bibliography that I was supposed to be 3 pages...but I turned it into 5. The end of the semester is drawing nearer, so I must work my hiny off.

My auntie Karen used to sing this song when we were little and taking a bath...or just running around naked, "I see a little hiny, so white and shiny. You better hide it, before I bite it!" hahahahaha

It's funny what words trigger the memories you thought you lost.


I feel horrible admitting this, but I will admit it: I've been watching a few episodes of South Park with Eli.
Yes, it's awful. But there's something about Eric Cartman's voice that makes me laugh so hard I just can't stop laughing. I would not recommend this show to anybody, really. In fact, I won't be watching much more of it. I did it as a favor to Eli because he gets stuck watching girly movies with me.

ugh, having another cough attack. night people!

<3 rachel

Healthy Mind and Healthy Heart

For the first time...my bitterness is making me angry at me, and not the person I'm bitter towards. It's very strange...because I feel better! God is working with me here, or I should say working ON me since I need to be fixed. Bitterness can really eat someone alive. I know it does for me. I feel like I can hide pretty well just how angry I can become sometimes. Most of the time, I'm upfront with my emotions; so much so, it allows me to better hide what I'm most frustrated with so people don't ask.
My frustration with other people, is actually my disappointment with myself. I suck! But, Lord help me, at least I'm confronting it now!


I'm leaving this one short tonight.

<3 rachel

"There is a stirring deep within me"

I will rise up, rise up
and bow down
and lay my crown
at his wounded feet!

I really love that song. I listened to it like 5 times on my way back to Tampa on Easter. I'm pausing and deleting half of what I write on this entry because I want to say I'm running out of things to say, but the truth is I just don't want to look stupid in writing what I'm feeling.

I feel like a failure.

For whatever reason, I can't get a job. I've felt this way for months seeing as I've been applying to different places for a while now. I feel unwanted; I'm not good enough. Today, I almost had hope. This company sent me an email last night saying my resume was selected and they would be conducting phone interviews Friday (today/yesterday), from 2-7pm. Yeah, they never called. At least they sent me an email at 7:04pm saying my resume in fact was NOT selected...and they wished me good luck in finding a job. What the heck? Don't tell me I've been selected for an interview, make me sweat all freakin' day for your call, then say I wasn't selected. I'd rather them tell me up front they're not interested. What's up with that? I know that I'll get a job if it's God's will for me to get a job. Maybe I'm just not looking in the right place...you know?
.

Writing is difficult.

I want to be true. I want to be genuine. I think some people get that from me and others are just so stuck on how mighty their damn writing is they are completely oblivious to what I'm trying to say. I hate that. And I know that if I try to publish anything, some people won't understand...arrogant people just leave a bad taste in my mouth.

HEY!!! I wrote so much more than I intended to! I feel better as well. Hopefully I'll write again before the weekend's over.


<3rachel

29 Hours

That's all I have left. 29 credit hours, and I can graduate from the University of South Florida. THIS IS INSANE!

I remember moving into Beta Hall in the fall of 2007...I was barely 18. There were people wearing neon green shirts that were helping people move into their dorms that day. It was hot, and I'm fairly sure the elevator wasn't working that day. Dad was worried that they wouldn't let me keep the refrigerator he bought me because it was bigger than the refrigerators they allowed us to keep in those small rooms. We got it in though. The first day of class was terrifying because Kayla and Katie had their first class together, and I had mine alone. I got to class 30 minutes early because I heard that if you're late, some teachers drop you. It was freshman composition. In retrospect, it was like we were still in highschool. My classes are so different now than the ones I took freshman year (thank goodness).


Now I'm going to graduate in two semesters and I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I'm scared...

I have to cut this short because there's this piece of sausage stuck in my teeth and it's really bothering me.

see ya!
<3rachel

This has to be quick...

I hate that my sisters don't need me anymore. They're each other's best friends and come to find out my entire family thinks im the most irritable person. Fascinating. I wonder what they'd see if they looked from my lenses.

Neti Pot is seriously the best invention ever. Can't wait to shove that teapot spout up my nostrils.